i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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