Taylor Swift is so right about you.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
