so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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