so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
