I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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