Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
