Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
