8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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