Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize