Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize