i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
