she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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