nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
