how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
