Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
