YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize