I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
