just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize