and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
