I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
