it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
