My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
