You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
