Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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