The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
