you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
you never un-have a 4some
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
