Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
