Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
try to milk me bitch
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