what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
