I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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