I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
