the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
