i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
