Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
