My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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