Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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