Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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