Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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