i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
