My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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