I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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