Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
