She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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