I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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