you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
