You made me cry and you don't even care
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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