well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
