take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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