What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
