I seem to have left my pride at pride
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Randomize
