If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize