Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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