Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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