just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
