i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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