I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
