Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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