Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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