Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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