i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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