Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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