Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
