i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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